I am me…

So here I am.

Pouring my inner most parts of me onto this page so you may experience all of me.

I am silly, I am loud, and I dance around my lounge room badly and sing even worse.
However you may never see this, as I am self conscious and keep sections of me hidden.

I am a romantic, I love LOVE, and yes I will cry at movies.

I am strong and independent; however I want to be cared for. Protected and provided for.

I am so much more fragile than I look… I feel very deeply and my mind wanders away quickly painting a thousand colours.
I think – ALOT. I may never speak it out loud though. Some thoughts are only for me… Please don’t make me share them.

I am insecure sometimes, and I need reminding of my capabilities.
Some days I will flaunt it, and others I will hide it. I am like the tide; ever changing and always returning to kiss the shore.

I am a princess, a warrior, a child and a glorious mess. Sometimes, all at once.
I will cry and laugh, and cry some more because I believe expression is a part of my beauty.

It is hard for me to express the chaos in my mind… it’s filled with stories and tales of strength, sadness and love. They do not always make sense to me, so I fear I cannot explain them to others.

At times I feel like a contradiction. A fearless powerful woman, wanting to express that I am a goddess.
And other times… a mere little girl who wants to snuggle with her blanket and watch Disney movies while someone brushes my hair.

I want someone to take charge, however I fear relinquishing my control completely. It has nothing to do with who I give the power too; and everything to do with me not trusting myself that I can get back up just one more time if it fails again.

I am sexy and goofy all wrapped together. Somehow that works for me.
I desperately would love to be a well mannered lady that walks with grace and class…. however I am clumsy and ridiculous. I squeak when I laugh too hard and can’t catch my breath, and bite my nails when I’m nervous – or bored.

I twirl my hair when I’m thinking or tired… and I hide behind it when I’m bashful.

I battle my heart and my mind every day; mostly they do not get along and like to pull me in different directions. Luckily I am learning to take the advice from both and connect them to my soul – this is the place I trust in me the most.
I am eclectic. In everything.
Style, music, food, art and my moods. I am all of it and I am none of it. I am simply a chameleon who enjoys my changing colours.

I both fit in and stand out at the exact same moment.

I love to go out, to dance, to drink wine and to laugh loudly and talk deeply.
I love to make plans and detest “boring” weekends. Life is short and I don’t intend on wasting it.

I get things wrong… Like ALOT. I am always first to accept when I have fucked up and try to find the lesson in everything.

I over think… so yes I will dissect that message you sent 100 times.

I don’t know how to receive compliments, however I have learned just to say Thank you… and then deflect to a different subject, or I’ll go quiet.

I enjoy raw, real people and our human existence of perfect imperfections. I believe it’s our flaws that make us so wonderfully interesting.

Sometimes I dream of running away and creating a new life… it’s not that I dislike the one I live, I just know there are places that are calling me I have yet reached.

Be patient with me… I can sometimes be hard to read when my guard is up. I am either too vulnerable or too closed. I am all in or all out.

I get angry too quickly, it’s my passion and flare that bursts out of me – mostly at the most inconvenient times. I’m working on it.

I love the stars; I love the smell of rain and the feeling of sun kissing my skin.
I see beauty and magic in the smallest things, a bird chirping, pretty leaves in autumn or the way the wind blows through my hair.

I am me. And I love who I am.

I Love you

My belief is that when you love someone you should tell them as often as possible, loudly and proudly at every opportunity.
And though I tell you EVERY day… it is just not enough to express what I feel.

I tell you I love you, because I do in every way.

I don’t say it because it sounds nice rolling off my lips to cover you in sweet lyrical notions.

I don’t love you because you make me happy, even though I smile like child; care free and angelic at the very thought of you.

I don’t love you because of your potential, even though I see you are capable of so much; you have the strength of a lion and the heart of a warrior.

I don’t love you because of who I think you will be; you are already so much in all your intrinsically perfect imperfections… It is your flaws that allow your wonder to shine through.

I love you because you are you. You stand in front of me and allow me to see all of you, to experience all of you. You show me in your eyes, your smile… the way you move, twist and turn and hold me in your arms.

I love you because you do not hide; you are honest and bring volition to everything you say.

I love you because you accept your story as a place from which you have grown and know your future is a story yet unwritten.

I love you because you are willing to learn, to be better and strive for wanting happiness in your life.

I love you, because… I simply…. LOVE you

and with this love I wish to fill it completely.
To give it the care and time it needs to flourish.
To dance in the sunshine of our summer happiness, to skip with the breeze as the autumn leaves fall around us.
To warm you in the cold stretches of winter struggles; and celebrate our victories of every new spring.
I am there for every season of life.
I am there as a complete whole, never a half.

I will be vulnerable and strong in my openness.
I will never hide from you, and more than that… I promise to never hide from myself.

To Love myself first always, to be kind and let my passions, goals and choices be what is right for who I am.
I promise to take responsibility for my own happiness.
For my failures and successes.
You will be right there to comfort and support me as I will you for yours.

I promise to never lead us down any path; I am not ahead of you I am beside you all the way as we navigate the twists and turns of life together.

Nor will I follow you, for I am neither behind. There will be times I do not walk along the same footsteps you created… at times I know we will slip off the main course trusting we will always return to walk again, with stories and moments to share of adventures had.

I want you to experience all of life, never holding you back, you are free, as am I.
I wish for you to chase every sunset over the horizon and wake with the dewy sunrise kissing your skin.
Bath under waterfalls, find hidden caves, climb trees and count the stars.
I wish for you to notice something truly beautiful in every day, and make the little things count the most.
To laugh and enjoy the complexities that come from discovering who we are in each and every day.

I promise to know you, to see you and to strive to understand all of who you choose to be in every moment.

I promise to simply LOVE you, because I do.

So… i took your side

For the longest time, it was still your side of the bed.
When we first ended I couldn’t even bring myself to sleep in the middle of the bed.
That side was yours; It had been for 8 years… it was always that way. I wasn’t prepared to let go of that ritual.

Time passed, and gingerly i would allow my leg to slip over to that side, stretch out a little bit.
But as i lay my head down every night i would be reminded that the weight of your body used to balance where i slept.

I began to realise that this was actually a thing… I had unconsciously chosen to let you continue to have a SIDE in my life. Even though i had stripped you from my heart, had grown strength to speak my voice and no longer needed your approval. You still had a side.

Even when new lovers would stay… they would go on your side.
My goodness that was even stranger. Them lying were you did before. Their bodies not matching yours; their weight never feeling the same.

I dreamt up that THIS is why they never stayed, why it never worked out. Because they were seeping into your mould?
You were suffocating the very place where love is expressed. Your smell thick and dense; Pungent with pain and heartache.
My dreams swiftly turning to nightmares, My love making to tears as i was lost in your dark presence still in my life.

I had to let this go… I am more. More beautiful than you could ever see. More stronger than you could ever handle, more kind and caring then you ever knew.

And…
I didn’t want it to be the same with him. He was different, so this had to be different.
The way he touched me gave me such comfort. The way he kissed me was like writing stories on the curves of my lips; and how i loved to read them with my tongue.
I was captured and yet free in his embrace of respect, trust and wonder.

So i took your side.

And he took mine.

That was it… This felt right.

I took your side, because i now could reclaim all of me. I took your side and erased the emptiness there. You were gone and i was whole.

He took my side, as i know he always will. He fit so perfectly into the groove i had left, His body was matched to mine in every way. We were meant to share this moment together.

It was warm and loving once again in my bed.
There was no spaces to fill, my heart was overflowing.
There was no guilt shame or worry.
No one was in the wrong spot.

He was within me.. and i.. i had replaced you, with my self love.

That line from alice in wonderland that had it SO right!

“Then you should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on.

“I do,” Alice hastily replied; “at least–at least I mean what I say–that’s the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same thing a bit!” said the Hatter. “You might just as well say that “I see what I eat” is the same thing as “I eat what I see”!”
_ Lewis Carroll ~ Alice in wonder land

So,
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Also… do what you mean, and mean what you do!
There are so many rules, games and conditions in society these days. How to act, be, what’s appropriate, undesirable.
I believe it sprang from a necessity of basic human structure on how not to be an arsehole, but it seems to be so dense and thick with sub points it’s hard to know what’s left or right these days.

We must value things like this, do stuff like that, enter into new relationships this way, play the game that way, this is the road to success and this way to failure.

I think we forget that we are all individuals, and while advice is great on how to handle life, it should probably be less grey areas and more “taken with a grain of salt”
find what works for YOU

there is a reeeaaaaaaaaaaalllly simple way of doing this.
If it feels right do it, if it doesn’t… then don’t.
Be concerned AND responsible for your own happiness.
Responsible is a key word here, it’s up to YOU, no one else, not your situation, spouse, family, friends… YOU and you alone. And it’s the only happiness you should worry about; let others figure out theirs.

Be upfront. Honest. Tactful, but always honest.
Don’t dance around what you want and stop coming up with bullshit excuses as to why you don’t/cant/shouldn’t do x, y & z.
Want to change careers, but think everyone will think your silly? Stuff them!
Want to go back to school at 40? DO IT!!
Want to tell someone you like them, want to date them… LOVE them!? Go for it buddy! What’s stopping you?

Let me guess…… FEAR?
We have all these rules and regulations on how to be a human being out of fear.
It’s what stops us from reaching our full potential.
Because what if we fail? What if it doesn’t work out? What if they don’t love us back? We might get hurt!
We have become so natural at shielding ourselves from pain; we wind up living a life full of meritocracy in every level. In our careers, love life, families, and with our own personal SELF relationship.
We are afraid to feel! And when you try to block out the bad, the hurt, the pain and disappointment you end up blocking all of it.

Stop what you’re doing right now and think of one thing that you haven’t done yet because you’re afraid, unsure, and nervous.

Go on…
now I bet you had at least 5 reasons flash up of why you HAVEN’T done what you’re thinking about.

Now.

STOP IT! Every one of those excuses is not good enough. And no one actually cares. Only you do, so stop making them.
Can you imagine if you just let all that go? And started to come up with new path ways to make it impossible.
You’ve all herd the quote “those who say they can’t, wont. And those that say they can, will”

Well it’s entirely FUCKING true!!

You’re the only one stopping yourself, because you are every problem in your life.
Ouch… I know that hurt didn’t it. But it’s true. Stop blaming others.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s a problem because you VIEW it that way. Now, it’s not as simple as just changing your mindset and POOF magic pill fixes everything. No no no. You got to work hard to alter your reality. You have noticed a problem in your life. Can you solve it? – Yes? Go do that, keep going until it’s fixed, give it everything you’ve got!! No? – And sometimes this is going to happen… sometimes there just isn’t a way to fix it, sometimes the responsibility lies within another, and you have no control of others. So here is what you do. Shut up. Stop talking about it, stop making the problem bigger by compounding into your subconscious that you have this REALLY BIG PROBLEM AND YOU CAN FIX IT, AND OH SHIT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, CRAP AHHHHHHHHHH.

COZ THAT’S SHIT, THAT DOESN’T WORK, IT MAKES IT WORSE!|

don’t go around winging, unless you have a solution or are willing to find one.

Start being honest with your intentions.
Start being upfront with who you are and what you want out of life.
Start being real with those around you.
Stop using others to make you feel better and blaming them when they don’t.
Start taking control of your life.
Start taking responsibility for how YOU feel, and your responses and reactions!

It’s all on you!
You have the capability to make your life amazing, if only you would quit stopping yourself, and start opening yourself up to the possibility of more!

Children need LOVE…. not bitter parents

Children need fathers… they need mothers… they NEED parents.

parent roles come in all different varieties these days, grandparents, aunties uncles, foster parents, step parents, LGBT parents… the one constant that is important in this dynamic is LOVE.

For the purpose of this article I will be discussing the role of mother and father in a separated relationship.

Separations are tough on everyone, especially the children. We can all agree here. What I really hate witnessing is when one or both parent’s turn their bitterness into a tool against the other parent and it affects the child. Or they put their own wants and “needs” before the Childs emotional wellbeing.
Now I do understand there is sometimes a reason a parent is kept from the life of a child, drugs, abuse, criminal behaviour, neglect.
These reasons are big issues, and the child should be protected at all times and removed from those types of dangerous situations.

So what about the 2 parents that both love and care for the child but their own bitterness at the failed relationship gets in the way. Too much I witness mothers keeping their children away from dads because of emotions stemming from pain or hate. I see dads trying to control their ex/s lives and constantly disrupt schedules and plans.
I see mums fighting for their Childs father to be a part of their lives, giving extra time, opening access and communication to have it throw back at them. I see fathers, GOOD fathers willing to step up and take care of their child, doing whatever it takes to provide and support… only to have limited time, or be pushed away completely.

This has got to stop!!
This isn’t about father’s rights, or that children MUST be with the mother.
This is about CHILDRENS rights!!
The right to know both parents, to know their family.

Children need love and stability… they need both their parents to step up and put the bullshit behind them.

Personally in my experience, my children’s behaviour and world map works so much smoother when their father and I can communicate and support each other. This takes a lot of work from both parties and we don’t always get it right. We are human and learning this new territory day by day.
When we fight, disagree or become selfish it is our kids that suffer. And that for me is my ultimate wake up call. No matter the feelings I have towards their father or his actions, my frustration, anger or emotions will dictate how my children feel within themselves. So I need to take a moment, respond, not react and make sure that I am always respectful and honourable to the place their father has in MY family base.

Sure I have moments where I wish I didn’t have to “co-parent” or deal with all this… but that’s selfishness. At the end of the day, my children love their father and I would never do anything to disrupt that bond… I will continue to put any feelings aside and help grow and flourish their relationship with their father. And when I do this, out of love and compassion and a clear heart, the relationship between their father and myself works better, we communicate well… it is a cycle that helps continue on and helps us work through issues better.

If you live your life accountable for your own actions, take responsibility for the way you feel and handle those emotions, then you CANNOT get angry with others… because you are in control of yourself…
Do it for your kids!!! You love them right!? I love my babies, so I know that their happiness comes first.

At least in 20years when my children are all grown, I can look back and know I did the right thing by THEM, regardless of any outcomes… that is always the most important thing.

“Tu Me Manques”

It took a while for you to find me…
I was hiding… hiding my fragile heart away.
I tell people I’m complicated, that I’m unsure I could love again.
The truth is, I’m fearless in my love.
Its strong, wild and passionate, it’s loyal, graceful and all consuming.
I try to scare people off… I flaunt my smile, I know it causes people to stop and stare.
Ill flirt a little, until their eyes don’t want to look away… but then before they realise it… I’m gone.
A flash of charm and laughter… they don’t know what’s hit them.
Because none of them are enough, none of them encompass the man that fits this perfectly imperfect shape with in my soul.
But you my dear…. oh you came from the stars above. You slipped so effortlessly into my skin I didn’t even notice my breath had changed to match yours.
I didn’t realise my beating heart was now beating to your melodic rhythm.
I have loved before, as have you.
But this is more, this is magic, this is raw, this is what romance novels are written on… we are the inspiration for every love song and every Valentine’s Day movie.

And I think to myself, So this is what people talk about when they say you will just “know”
This is what they mean when they speak of finding a love that is like coming home.
You are my home.
I won’t fight this, I won’t run, I won’t tell you the reasons why you shouldn’t fall for me.
Because it would be all in vain anyway… you are everywhere I am; Even miles apart.
You would hold my hand… kiss my fingers gently and whisper softly “come, let me love you”

You would trace the lines of my scared body and colour me in with your stories and memories.
You would shade away my battered and broken pieces, and highlight my beauty with brilliant vibrant colours of love.

I see the sunrise and sunset in your eyes; I feel the warmth of summer in your kiss.

I cannot hide any longer, and I don’t want to… I will allow you to find all of me, over and over again.
Forever yours

until we get to embrace

“Tu me manqes” ~ you are missing from me….

Im just going to go ahead and say it..

I dislike my children.

Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE them… with all my heart… I have never loved somebody so much then them, they are my world and the reason I live.

Some days though… some days I just plain don’t like them… some days I feel like throwing my hands in the air yelling… “I’m out!!!.. Wipe your own darn butts!”

Because some days, the crying, crazy whiny little voices get too much, some days the thousand questions that have no depth and value drive me to drink….. Coffee… lots of it… just to keep up with the words that spill out of their mouths at a million miles an hour in some incoherent language that only children 3 and under seem to have.

SOMEDAYS I just want to drop to the floor kick and scream and throw a tantrum and then go for a nap.

There are days I quietly think to myself I’m not built for this… this full time mum stuff… this day in day out groundhog day repetitiveness of routine, sticky fingers and snot covered children.
If somebody spills the milk just one more time, I’m going to throw caution to the wind, forget what the saying is and darn well cry my eyes out!!

I’m touched out and starving for someone to talk to me.
All day long I have grabby little hands all over my body, I still breast feed my 20month old… I get woken by fingers up my nose, and a toddler who insists on trying to help me wipe when I go to the toilet.
Every night we have dinner at the table and I attempt small talk with my children about what happened in their day… mainly to my 6yr old who was at school… I get nothing… very little response, sometimes none at all… sometimes none of it makes sense… and then I sit there and grumble under my breath
“well my day was lovely… JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUST lovely”

This isn’t all day every day, but I guarantee you at least ONCE a day I go… “REAlly!!?? WHY!”

Their little personalities are anything but. They are fierce and complicated, strong willed, stubborn and run on never ending batteries.
All qualities I want my children to enter the world in, unstoppable don’t take any crap, own 2 feet standing type well adjusted humans…
But for the love of cheerio’s, please while you live here just LISTEN TO ME!!
Because mummy is so much nicer when she’s not kicking Lego, muttering profanities and slamming objects down to express just how peeved I am.

Does it make me a bad mother? maybe?
I guess there would be people who will say yes… and hi-five to you guys for handling it better or hiding it better maybe?
I love my kids… but I do not like them ALL the time.
I’m on my own, 3 kids 6, 3 &1… Really… I mean can we just get serous for a moment?
Can we just get off the mummy montage of perfect pintrest and come down to reality?
Why WOULD I like being woken during the night by someone wetting my bed, or having to tell my 3 year old roughly 40times to get BACK into bed. I don’t enjoy having my floors covered in food and this weird sticky film over everything. I don’t enjoy having to pick up tones of toys every night, bathing dressing and chasing my nudist children with their pj’s.
I don’t enjoy being screamed at because I used the wrong cup/spoon/bowl, or cut the sandwich wrong.
I certainly don’t enjoy poo-nami nappy changes!!!
Or vomit.
Or blood.
Or illness of any type.
I don’t want to convince my child that the vegies they ate last night are the exact same ones they are refusing tonight… and why that concept is beyond RIDICULOUS!!
I’m not a morning person…. and parenting involves lots of morning energy, or capabilities.
How I managed to do it for 6 years without coffee is beyond me… but now I have that, the edge is taken off ever so slightly.

Do you? Does anyone really enjoy these things?

Do you know what I do enjoy though… that moment when my children hug each other… unprompted.
The moment they get excited to see my face if I or they have been away.
I love them snuggled up in my arms… still, quiet and sleeping.
I love when they achieve a new milestone, or accomplish a taste I have seen them struggling at.
I love their laughter, I love their joy, and I LOVE them.

But I do NOT have to always like them; it means I’m human to admit that. It means I’m not perfect, and that I’m willing to shout at the top of my lungs that PARENTING IS HARD!!!! You don’t need to make it out like its always wonderful… stop the highlight reel on social media and give me something real.
So tell me… mother, fathers, careers’… tell me something you dislike about your kids or parenting… then hit me with some love.. Coz positive it always brilliant.
Then give self hi-five yourself, eat some chocolate or have a wine… And rock the shit out of the REAL parent that you are… coz I salute you!!!

Please break my heart {Poem}

Please break my heart…
Shatter it into a million pieces, fill it with so much of you that you crash through the walls and overflow into my lungs.
Drown me with your soul.
Make me gasping for air, as the liquid of your spirit takes my breath away.

You are a poison, coursing through my veins.
Bubbling under my skin;
you make me feverish, my body aching and dripping with the sweat of my love for you.

Your an adrenaline shot into my thighs… make them shake and quiver as you enter my blood stream, the beating of my heart racing and, you… clinging to the very cells inside of me.

I welcome the sickness you bring into my body… an illness that brings me to my knees

Make me pant and breathe in the essence of yourself.

Take my clammy hands and intertwine your fingers with mine… push them into my chest so i can feel the beat of my body caused by your ravenous energy.
Flow through me like an electric shock… Tingles down my spine and finishing in my toes… make them curl… cramping my feet in pure elation.

Fall into me, take over… move my body to your playful rhythm.
Drink from me; quench your thirst on my wetness. Lick the salt from my skin; leave marks on my body from your teeth.
Scar me with your truth, let your words be left like tattoos on my every corner, every curve.

Love me… and then break my heart; so I know you are real.

The Slides of life

I’m going to get a bit metaphorical for a moment because that’s just how my brain works.

I was at the park this afternoon with my little girl.. She’s very capable for her age with climbing and the equipment so I normally let her go to explore at her own pace. Today she wanted to go to the BIG slide.. From her perspective this thing would be massive.

10 points for bravery.

She happily climbed up and worked her way over the rope bridge, a couple of more stairs etc until she reached the very top.

Caution has now set in as she very slowly held onto the sides and sat at the top of the gigantic slide ready to take the plunge.

The look on her face was one I’ve seen before. It was of uncertainty, mixed with a bit of fear, and I could see the cogs turning in her little head “maybe this wasn’t the best decision”

But you see she loves slides, any thing for a rush.. She laughs through all of it.

This slide, not only long and high didn’t have high sides to it either.

I sat and watched as she observed her predicament and studied her situation of choices.

I stood at the bottom of the slide saying words of encouragement like “cmo’n darling, mummy is here”

“You can do it”

“It’s safe, just slide down”

I know she trusts me, but she didn’t trust the slide, or herself on it.

So she sat up the top not moving.

And I thought to myself.. This is ALOT like life!!

Yep there’s the metaphor.

Isn’t it though? How many of us are at the top of a scary slide situation, thinking we made a really fun choice but when it’s time to let go and slide we start second guessing everything.

What if I fall? What is it’s too fast? What if I get stuck half way? What if what if what if? Presupposing all the little details, making the situation worse than it really is.

And our friends, family, partners or co-workers on the other side saying “hey it’s cool I’ve done this before trust me you’ll be fine, and I’m here to help along the way”

We trust this person but still don’t trust the situation.

That’s what I meant when I had seen the look on her face before. I’ve seen it in friends, lovers, people I care for and I’ve seen it in myself.

So there I now sat at the bottom of this slide un-moving, waiting. Because I wasn’t going to go up there and “rescue” her. She didn’t need it. I showed her that I’ll be there at the end if she chooses to go through with it, and that if she didn’t she needed to work out how to change her circumstances on her own.

Yeah might be looking in to this a bit much for an 1&1/2yr old, but hey! We learn this stuff from a young age!!

She decided not to go down the slide.. She got up and worked out how to come back down and found me, still at the bottom of the slide where I said I would be.

There’s 2 points to take from this story.

Depending on the perspective you want to take.

From hers; it’s that there are going to be choices made in life that your going to be so excited to do, but when you get there self doubt sets in. Stop presupposing the what ifs!! They might happen, THEY MIGHT NOT! So why give yourself the ‘worst case scenario’ talk? I’m so sick of that talk! We as a culture are conditioned to run through all the bad things that might come out of a decision before we feel comfortable to take the next step. Instead of just trusting our choice. We seriously need to stop that… Like right now. Just stop it.

Make the choice, then DO IT!

Especially if you have someone you admire on the other side telling you it’s going to be OK, trust me. because ultimately we are going to be fine! just imagine, if we thought about all the BEST case scenarios.. wow.. how much fun would that be?

Second perspective is from mine.

There will be times in life where we see someone we care about make a choice, we are excited for them.
We want to see their enjoyment in it. We also see their hesitation, so we give our words of encouragement.

There comes a time however when we need to shut up and let them choose their own way. Stay where you are, show them you MEAN it when you’ll wait for them at the other side and do not go to recuse them!!

It will do them no good if we make the choice for them because then we are going to have to carry them down every slide in life because they don’t know how to on their own. Let them experience their own challenge, and if they want to back out, let them figure out another way down.. Your still there at the end, right where you said you would be and have shown them your not going anywhere. Proved your words are trust worthy.

So this is life. My baby girl on the top of a slide for 20min just made me realise some hard facts.

It’s amazing how much the small situations in life paint the pictures of our bigger ones.

Little girl

A little girl, beauty defined.
A little girl, lost, bleeding and blind
I was but a little girl when you put your hand on my thigh,
made me out to be a woman somehow in your mind.
Innocence personified in me, and you took it locked it, threw away that key.
A key I’ve been searching these past 20 yrs… I looked in all the wrong places and in all the wrong faces.
My mind afraid of what I was labelled, so I took charge and I made it all fabled.
A ficticous event, I am no victim. I am strong don’t you see how I’m fearsome.
Behind closed doors I ached at every new touch, would this be another
another man to break my spirit, another man that controlled, who saw my vulnerabilities and made advantage, passes that cut.
Over my body, ran fingers and hands, clenched jaw, tight limbed too scared to enjoy. I made problems where ever I lay, believing I deserved it this way.
Then you… a man with kind eyes behind a torched smile, one look… one look my way, he see’s me.
Maybe I just hid in your need for me. I brought out the best in your, I was needed for more than just someone to screw.
I was needed for much more I began to strive for the highest, while you brought me back down. With every inch you took me higher I didn’t see the rope you were tying me to the ground.
I began to give all, I even enjoyed, I saw this entrance into a world once destroyed…
until years gone past, pain and blame became so vast. History together hid behind our mask
we forgave, so we must forget. Move on we say there is a life for us yet.
But what is all that without a little respect, because without respect our bodies are just these shells, and a shell is mine, oh no wait it’s yours.
Again the merry go round of ownership and control
I thought you would like it
I thought you wouldn’t mind
this is for you my dear, don’t you feel better being confined?
Because the feeling of self shame and body mortification is a game.
Yes your body is different but it’s you I love, yes your body is different there is no attraction there.
But smile my dear I’m not here to snare.
Just make you realize that your body is not what I desire.
But I spent a life living as if my body were all I was.
And now ever that’s been thrown to the fire.
So I’m not mind or soul, not even body no more.
Feeling battered bruised a solider left dead at the war.
well if you don’t want my body then why are you touching it, if you don’t like my body then why must you look at it
if you don’t want this body then why must you control it
taking it while my eyes slumbered peacefully, safety shattered chewed up and spit

I found it…. I found that key. Taking 20years of searching and I found it in a video of my raw shamed reminder of virginity.

I must be worth MORE than this, aren’t I not a woman,
I’m not that little girl with no voice any more
I am a mother whose babies she bore
so no its not alright
its not something lovers do without the light
I said no this doesn’t make it ok, an apology laced with some blame.
This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you
and that I finally knew.
No you may not put your hand on my thigh.
To you I now say goodbye